*By Roland Wakefield, Cashier Supervisor, Bookmans Mesa

No duck is an island.

In the summer of 1987 I received 20 dollars from my sister simply for being born. She was nicer to me since she moved out and I could no longer stick my hands under her door, begging her to play Thundercats with me because I didn’t feel comfortable being Cheetara, all the while she listened to Prince albums and completed her homework in full-on ignore mode. With aforementioned 20 dollars I went to the Fry’s Grocery store on Baseline and McClintock, which at the time was Smitty’s, and bought two films that changed my life -- Ghostbusters and the epic blessing from the clouds beneath Duck Jesus, Howard the Duck. I snagged both for the low previously-owned VHS price of $9.99 a piece. My loving mother paid the tax.

I watched Howard the Duck for a year straight. I too felt out of place in a world I didn’t create, longed for adventure and love and was under four feet tall, although I didn’t want Tim Robbins as a friend. I grew up with the movie's rough language, fowl/foul nudity and suggestive alien effects. This movie made me believe that I could not fly, but could definitely mouth off in sync with an animatronic head.

Years later I learned this was originally a rehashing of the underbelly of Marvel comics. Steve Gerber’s original comics were more raw and compelling in tone, but I could never let go of the image of Howard engrained into my psyche. Eventually I even became Facebook friends with the actor who was Howard, the magical Ed Gale. The only Howard magic that isn’t in my collection is the tragic and awe-inspiring Howard the Duck: Adventure on Volcano Island for the Commodore 64, which is as close as the world got to a Howard sequel. There we see Howard as a rock star with Beverly, the Dark Overlords come back (without a laser spectroscope?) to kidnap Bev and Philsie (Tim Robbins) and take them to Volcano Island. There I used my solar powered jet pack and Quack-Fu to defeat them and turn off the volcano ... with a light switch. I asked for epic, and the Commodore delivered.

I still have that first VHS copy, as well as three bootleg DVDs from before Universal graciously released the special edition in 2008,

two extra VHS copies in case mine wore out, one extended soundtrack captured from vinyl,

and one burnt Nostalgia Critic review just to flush out my Howard shelf. Even so, there remains a hole in my egg-shaped heart. My friends, I never got to see Howard abolish the silver screen with his Dark Overlord slaying Quack-Fu -- until now, my good readers. After years of hounding the Midnight Movie Mamacita through my Man-Kitten Todd (he’s more of a chick magnet than me), there is an upcoming screening on March 12 of Howard along with the more-appropriate-than-my-companion-piece Spaceballs (I wanted Howard the Duck and Xanadu so that the poster could read "XanaDuck". Someday my dream, someday you will come true).

I have done nothing for society in all the time I have spent on this planet and in this town, some 28 years. In contrast, in just two nights on this planet Howard saved us from the Dark Overlords of the Universe, rescued Beverly from assault and her snot nosed manager Ginger, and tolerated Tim Robbins. Taking part in the re-presentation of these intergalactic events is the most I can offer my almost hometown. Hopefully this one night event will inspire the youth of America to take pride in the weird, in their shortcomings, in their overuse of the word duck instead of man in 113 puns and something magical might happen for the betterment of society. Or it might not be as good as we remember and we walk out. Either way, this night is for us, the nostalgic viewers to remember the pain and trials of one duck that got pushed over the line.

So put your code-key into your duck-mobile and relive my youth, if not your own, on March 12 at the Madcap Theater. If you don’t have a good time I will personally give you your money back. I will be the brown-haired man that answers to the name "Todd".

[Admin disclaimer: We may have all or none of the products in this review, but we still thought you should read this bit of awesomeness. Feel free to contact any or all of our stores directly to check on stock. If your favorite location doesn't have an item you need, call another location that might and request a transfer.]