I picked up a messenger-bag-full of Cyberfrog issues from Bookmans recently with the sole intent of lambasting them in this column to further my anti-Ethan-Van-Sciver-agenda.

 

 

For those of you who spend your free time talking to girls (or whatever it is people who don’t blast comic-book-centric podcasts on their stereo as loud as they can each night just to drown out the sound of their own sobbing do), Van Sciver is the current illustrator of Green Lantern for DC Comics.

Ethan recently went into detail on Word Balloon (the definitive podcast in comic book pseudo-journalism) about how unnecessary he thinks comic book writers are, and how he’s impatiently waiting for the day when illustrators rise up against their editorial oppressors & refuse to draw for anyone but themselves.

He also performed a cover of EMF’s “Unbelievable” on a Casio & spoke about how The Flash: Rebirth #6 was late because he gave himself a heart attack by consuming naught save for chocolate mini-donuts and Mountain Dew for three years—-so he’s clearly bonkers—-but it still irritated the heck out of me.

When I spotted a complete run of Van Sciver’s 1996 Cyberfrog series (the only series Van Sciver has ever written & thus, the lynchpin of his entire argument) I rejoiced—-first at the fact that someone had traded them in for 0.25¢ worth of trade credit a pop--then at the fact that I could read and bash them for this column.
So, I cracked them open…
And I loved them.

I thrilled to the uniqueness of the titular hero’s origin myth (the last son of a planet in peril being rocketed to Earth & emerging as an amphibious, mutant teenager who was born proficient in ninjitsu). I rejoiced in clever, thoughtful dialogue, such as, “yo mama is an alien?!?” (Issue #0) and “shut your Polident chewing hole!” (Issue #1). I was knocked out of my Hawkman beanbag chair by the bold originality of the lead’s ensemble (metal appendages and bandoliers made of pouches in the mid '90s? Unthinkable!).

I am CLEARLY messing with you. The thing is unreadable.

The illustration is admittedly pretty rad. I’ll concede to that. Perhaps if Van Sciver had a writer the thing would’ve lasted longer than its initial 4 issue run, but as is…

Well, here. Dig on this scan of a gang rape gag that was included in issue #2:

 

 

Not exactly Watchmen.

The thing about Van Sciver that rubs me the wrong way is that he speaks as if collaborating with Geoff Johns (The author of Ethan’s Green Lantern & Flash issues) as if it were a chore, when this is what Johns has to say about him: “Every time Ethan and I work together, we're really proud of what we do. Every single time… We just fit together really, really well. I love working with him, and I love his art.”

Shame on you, Ethan. I’m posting this picture of you from the letter column of Issue #0 from 14 years and 400 pounds ago, in the hope that you’ll look at that innocent, dorky face and remember how it felt to lie awake at night, dreaming about what it would be like to someday work on the icons at DC.

 

Before

 

 

After

 

Nobody’s telling you that you can’t still write Cyberfrog, man. Go ahead. Write the shit out of some Cyberfrog.

It’s just that The Flash means a lot to a lot of people, and we don’t want you ruining his stories with your gang rape jokes.

We sure like the way you draw his boots, though.

 

 

Eric M. Esquivel is the author of the critically acclaimed graphic novel “Horrible Little People”, the critically tolerated “Adventures of Bikini Automatic”, and the critically despised “Childish Delusions of Grandeur and Superiority”. He also wrote a whole bunch of mini comics that the critics know nothing about, and can be found at www.ModernMythologyPress.com.

His upcoming works include “Calabrese!” for Spookshow Records, “Pop! Science” for Modern Mythology Press, and “Statuesque” for whomever will give him money for it.

He used to do boring journalism stuff for The Tucson Citizen, before he decided that he hated money.

He is not John Siuntres’ son*

*or is he?†

† He isn’t.