Well, it's been a long time my fellow aficiones of the abysmal, connoisseurs of the kitschy, devotees of déclassé. Finally Cinema of the Forsaken is back to bring you the very best of all the movies that never should have been.
Speaking of abysmal, kitschy and déclassé, let's welcome back my accomplice, Angela!
Angela: I'm not sure its been long enough; it takes a lot out of a person to sit through hours of dull, boring, normal movies in search of the truly terrible, but if there is one movie that can make the epic quest for B-movie cheese worth it, it's this one!
For our big return we knew that it was our duty to bring you a movie that was truly, bleetingly bad. So, of course, we looked straight towards New Zealand and their new addition to the horror genre: "Black Sheep," currently playing exclusively at The Loft. What is it they fear most in New Zealand? Evidently it's sheep.
Are you one of those who say they don't like horror movies because they're all the same, and there's nothing new under that big full moon? The - ahem - "plot" revolves around two brothers who inherit their father's sheep farm. At first it all works out as one brother suffers from sheep-phobia (I wonder what he counts to get to sleep?), and the other is obsessed with bio-engineering a new breed of sheep which fetch a higher market value, and serve, uh, more "personal" interests. Everything seems to be going fine until those wacky animal rights people show up; next thing you know sheep are revolting…and they're recruiting for their cause. You do know what happens when you get bitten by a zombie sheep right?
I think this movie reveals a lot about the New Zealand consciousness - I just don't know what. Fortunately, Cinema Of The Forsaken has its own expert, recently returned from the island itself -
Angela: New Zealand is a highly environmentally conscious nation (compared to the U.S. anyway), and concerns like the genetic manipulation of livestock rank right up there with the animal flatulence which accounts for 90% of the country's methane emissions.
What more could any bad script writer need to strike comedy horror gold? Just toss in a few meddling but well-intentioned hero hippies, just a pinch of fun-loving Maori farm-hand, and voila!
"Black Sheep" has got to be one of the most ridiculous, "Oh no they wouldn't!", wonderfully bad movies in years. How could they go wrong with a country where the sheep outnumber the humans 11 to one? The jokes practically write themselves - just ask Scotland! Or if you don't believe them, take it from our resident cheap-shot master and connoisseur of the depraved, Sam!
This movie pulls no punches in terms of either the absurd or the gore. From beginning to end you find yourself going, "Wouldn't it be messed up if this happened right now? Yeah, I was right, it was." or "No! They're not going to! They wouldn't! NOOOOO! Why are these film-makers allowed to walk the streets freely?!" or "My, that was a surprisingly tender scene of bestiality." Yeah, this is definitely the direct inheritor of early Peter Jackson works like "Bad Taste," "Meet The Feebles," and "Dead Alive," which give him his place of honor at Cinema Of The Forsaken HQ; even if he now seems more concerned with his "quality movies," with their "production values" and little "Academy Awards." I just don't get some people, but I digress….
Sam's Final Take:
We all know that vampires are scared of garlic, werewolves are driven off via wolfsbane, but what is it that were-sheep fear? Your burning need to find the answer to this question is but one of many reasons why you simply must get yourself to The Loft to see "Black Sheep."
Rating: Three and a half buckets of blood (it would be four, but I have a rule that no movie can be a true four bucket classic without gratuitous female human nudity).
Angela's Final Take:
This movie is so bad I couldn't stop laughing. It has good cinematography and acting, the special effects (courtesy of Peter Jackson's own WETA Studios) are good enough to be almost believable... or maybe my tears of laughter skewed my perception.
Either way you'll be guaranteed to have something to groan about for weeks to come, so be sure to take a friend! After all, you don't want be the only one breaking into fits of laughter every time you hear bleating!
Rating: Hilariously bad!!! Don't miss it!
The Forsook
Angela: P.S... For those of you not familiar with New Zealand, here are some quick facts to get you started. The Maori were the first people to inhabit the island, but now the island is largely populated and controlled by English settlers.
Maori 101: Kia Ora (key-ore-ah) means roughly ‘Good Health'. It's like "aloha." Aotearoa is the Maori name for New Zealand. Though you'll be sharp-eared indeed to pick this one out of the impassioned, hippy rants.
Sam: P.S... I should warn you that Angela's soul-sucked corpse had to be pried out of her movie seat after the movie - and she's a professional. My advice: go out for ouzo and lamb souvlaki afterwards. It helped with the healing process.
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